


Aladdin Sane

by Sebastian_the_Mercat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Alive, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Post-Deathly Hallows, Post-War, References to David Bowie, Song Lyrics, more or less
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 21:06:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5758846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sebastian_the_Mercat/pseuds/Sebastian_the_Mercat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Battle of Hogwarts, Severus's memory comes and goes - he merely exists in the present, not sure where he came from nor where he is going. Meditation is one of the only things to help him...but Harry might have another suggestion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aladdin Sane

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to two of the most wonderful men that have ever existed: David Bowie and Alan Rickman. They were my idols from the time I was very young to today - they honestly mean the world to me. They will be missed.

Severus had taken to meditating, in order to forget...or maybe to remember - he wasn't quite sure, anymore. He wasn't sure of a lot of things, if he was being completely honest with himself. Things from his past, memories, alliances, secrets, and lies...all of the details were mixed up in his mind, existing in a strange smoke-like substance he could never quite grasp. 

Though he wasn't exactly sure what the goal was, in his meditating, it calmed him, made him feel less confused about this world he lived in, less anxious about the fact his past was a thing everyone knew but him. Forgetting, remembering...it all didn't matter when he was meditating down by that crystalline lake, his breathing even, the aches of his body fading into the background.

He wasn't completely ignorant of his past - no, he was actually quite aware of a lot of the things he had done, and what had been done to him. However, he knew these things not from his own memories, but from what various people had told him. He was never quite sure if what was being said to him was the complete truth, or if it was some distorted version of the truth someone was telling him in order to protect him...as such, he tried not to think too much into it.

Minerva spoke to him often - they had tea together every afternoon, sitting together in her office. In the beginning, she had tried to banter with him, before she realized he had changed from whomever he had been before. Now, they mostly talked about the school innovations in the Wizarding World...trite talk, nothing too deep.

Madam Pomfrey was always trying to get him to open up. She asked him questions that made him uncomfortable, always poking and prying until he managed to escape her grasp. He would avoid her altogether...if it wasn't for the fact his weakened body made it necessary for him to see her on at least a semi-regular basis.

Other professors talked to him often enough...they were always cordial, though they always had this air of nervousness around him (especially the younger ones). Severus wasn't sure if that nervousness was due to whom he used to be or to who he was now.

Hagrid, he liked. At first, the large man made him nervous and anxious, so he avoided him...but after a while, he realized the man was as good and kind-hearted as they came. It was nice, being able to relax around someone instead of always holding up this facade that he was completely alright all the time.

He was aware everyone knew he wasn't alright, but he liked to pretend he was. It helped to convince himself he was.

If he was completely honest with himself, he was very tired.

It was a strange sort of tiredness, an exhaustion that ran deeper than anything he had ever experienced, he was pretty sure. It wasn't only his body that was tired, but his mind, his very soul. It didn't help that nightmares filled with faceless fears interrupted his sleep every night, or that he was constantly thinking and fighting himself against thinking...

It had been worse, before he began his meditation regiment. He had been moody, standoffish, even moreso than he currently was. However, when a man by the name of Lupin visited him one day, he told Severus that meditation really helped him to get over certain things. Severus had been hesitant in the beginning...however, after trying it and realizing how much it helped to clear the battlegrounds that were his mind, he made sure to do it several times a day.

Meditating was what he was doing late one evening, when he felt a presence behind him. It was a presence that was both familiar and strange - powerful and yet very hesitant. In spite of the fact he felt the person shifting behind him, he did not turn his dark eyes away from the smooth surface of the Great Lake, nor the sun setting across it. However, when the presence continued its shifting, growing seemingly even more uncomfortable, he finally spoke. "Are you going to continue standing there, or are you going to join me?"

There was a moment of brief hesitation, before the person moved, settling beside him. Severus still didn't move, and nor did he speak again.

The person shifted again, in spite of the fact they were now settled beside him. "I...didn't know you meditated with your eyes open..." they spoke quietly with a rather deep, gruff voice. The voice was young, though, he could tell.

Severus responded slowly. "Indeed. It helps to focus on something physical, something that is calm but strong."

"Is that...like Occlumency?" the voice asked. Hesitant, unsure...bitter?

"In a way," Severus said quietly. "Your mind needs to be clear in order to be a proper Occlumens...however, you don't necessarily need to be performing Occlumency every time you clear your mind."

Severus withdrew back into his mind, then, letting the confused cloud of memories and feelings disappear beneath the surface of the Great Lake he had formed in his mind. He let out a deep breath, allowing his eyes to open once more. 

Several minutes passed, before the person spoke again. "Do you remember me?"

Slowly, Severus turned his head slightly, looking at the figure beside him. He was immediately recognizable.

"Harry Potter. Savior of the Wizarding World, the Boy Who Lived, Gryffindor, currently working as an Auror-"

"I don't mean stuff you could read about in the paper," the young man snapped, before quickly turning away. He looked distinctly uncomfortable. "I mean...anything...personal?"

Severus's eyebrows furrowed slightly, before his face fell back into a neutral expression. He turned to face the lake once more. "Little to none of the memories I currently possess are my own. Everything I know about who I was and who every one else was is second-hand knowledge."

Harry winced. "Don't tell me that. Please...I just..." He sighed heavily, shifting once more - Severus was getting the feeling that Harry had never been in a more uncomfortable situation in his life. "It's hard enough hearing all these things about you, like how many pain potions you have to take in a day, or how you hardly talk to anyone and when you do it doesn't even sound like you and...I just...I don't want to think about how we failed you..."

Severus's eyebrows furrowed. He closed his eyes once more, focusing intently. In spite of that, he still managed to force out, "Failed me?"

Harry sighed heavily. "Yeah...and don't try to tell me we didn't fail you because...to be honest, you don't know. Not really."

"No, I don't," Severus admitted.

Harry balked at him. "You just...agreed with me. Just like that..."

Severus sighed slightly. He was not quite sure what his relationship had been like with the boy before, but judging from his words, it had not been great. "Indeed. Just like that."

And suddenly, a pair of strong arms were wrapped around his shoulders, squeezing tightly, and Harry was sobbing into his neck.

"It's...it's not fair!" he cried desperately. "It's not... You were on our side yet we ABANDON you when you NEED us! We're...we were supposed to be the GOOD guys!"

Severus swallowed hard. With every one he had talked to since he had been released from Saint Mungos, most of them had treated him delicately, never once showing a carefully controlled mask of emotions around him...until Harry, that is.

"Harry-"

"No! You're supposed to call me "Potter"! You're supposed to hate me because I look like my dad and because I'm a Gryffindor that always gets myself into trouble! You're supposed to be sneering and smirking and the slimy potions master that you always were! You're...you're supposed to be telling me I'm foolish for crying about you like this...you're...y-you're..."

"Harry," Severus said quietly, with a sigh. The young man only sobbed harder, squeezing him tighter. "I'm...sorry, Harry. From what I've read and what has been told to me, you have been through a lot...and...I understand that. Probably better than most people."

Harry pulled back, giving him a strange look. Severus cleared his throat awkwardly, the bright green eyes filled to the brim with tears stirring some emotion deep within him. Glancing away, he said, "I have...nightmares...sometimes... I understand... that is hard to move on. Even though my memories are buried...and the fact I've been told many times that I am different now...I still have a hard time moving on, and letting go."

"It's...hard..." Harry said quietly, his voice vulnerable. Severus got the impression he didn't admit to his vulnerabilities often.

"I know," Severus said simply.

Harry slowly pulled back, sitting beside Severus once more. In spite of the occasional sniffle, he was obviously more calm, more at peace than he had been when he had first arrived. He was no longer, shifting, after all.

"I don't know why I came here, really," Harry said after a while, following a soft sigh. "I mean I do...but I mean...I didn't mean to rant at you like this."

"It's fine," Severus said quietly. "It was getting late anyway. I've been meditating for about an hour already."

"Does it help? Meditation I mean," Harry asked quietly.

Severus shrugged slightly. "I'm able to clear my mind, to relax. Things could be better, but I suppose they could be worse as well."

There was a brief pause, before Harry reached into his pocket, pulling out a small device attached to a pair of headphones. He passed it over to Severus who held it up, looking confused. 

"It's...an MP3 player. They're new, like a walkman without having to change cassettes all the time."

Severus blinked, turning the device over and over, looking hopelessly confused. However, he quietly murmured, "Thank you."

Harry reached other, settling the headphones over Severus's ears, before turning on the device.

"It's a muggle thing. There's only one song on here so far, because I don't know what type of music you like, but like you can add a lot of songs on there I think..." Harry was looking increasingly awkward. "I know it's stupid-"

"It's wonderful, Harry. Honestly," Severus said, his eyes meeting Harry's. They were indeed sincere.

Harry flushed, looking down at the device. "R-right...tell me if it's too loud."

Severus jolted at the music suddenly ringing in his ears, before relaxing back into the grass, closing his eyes. 

Watching him dash away  
Swinging an old bouquet  
Dead roses  
Saki and strings divine  
You'll make it  
Passionate bright young things  
Takes him away to war  
Don't fake it  
Sadden glissando strings  
You'll make it  
Who will love Aladdin Sane?  
Battle cries and champagne just in time for sunrise  
Who will love Aladdin Sane?

"Harry..." Severus said suddenly, his eyes opening. Their eyes met. "Thank you," Severus whispered, before letting his eyes fall closed once more, allowing peace to overcome him as he listened to the music.

**Author's Note:**

> Rest in peace, David Bowie and Alan Rickman.


End file.
